Comparing Super Bowl Halftime Shows to Disney Attractions
As a lover of Super Bowl culture and a hater of football, sports fans, CTE, and hyper masculinity, I await this day every year for the halftime show. Kendrick Lamar is set to take the stage (joined by my queen, SZA) and deliver an infectious performance on the heels of his five Grammy Award wins this past Sunday.
In preparation for the big show, I tend to go back and rewatch my favorite performances in the lead up to the big night. Super Bowl halftime shows only fall into two categories: forgettable or remarkable. For every Bruno Mars snooze fest (no judgement), we receive a Madonna. We have been treated to some incredible shows over the years and because I have an unhinged frontal lobe, it’s only right to describe these mediocre or awe-inspiring shows as Disney attractions. Yes, this is stupid. No, I don’t care.
Tower of Terror - Rihanna ‘23 - Mid-air bouncing, with no discernible pattern, as millions scream in delight at what’s occurring. As the lights flicker and the music swells, the drops continue, sending everyone into permanent adoration. No one is doing it like them, mid-air or otherwise. (The only flaw in this comparison is Rihanna was pregnant when performing and I’m not sure that the attraction is recommended for those carrying child?)
Snow White’s Enchanted Wish - Madonna ‘12 - She has been the moment for decades. She has never ceased to be an icon of stage and screen. She has always adapted to the moment. Whether it’s “Hung Up" or “Four Seconds" or her recent refurb adding modern technology. She highlights the past, the present, and the future. She will never not be that girl, and anyone who questions that claim should go eat a poison apple.
Soarin’ Over California - Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Mary J. Blige, Kendrick Lamar, and 50 Cent ‘22 - Being so effortlessly cool is a feat, but they manage to do it. It’s a simple task, honoring the history and the culture of California, but they manage to do it without a drop of sweat falling from their foreheads. They cover a lot of ground, from the “dancery" to the winery, and all while letting everyone soak in the best the west coast has to offer. To be fair, they will always let you feel the breeze.
Luminous: The Symphony of Us - Justin Timberlake ‘18 - Have you ever watched something and you know it’s trying too hard? Like, they think they are oozing creativity and exceptionalism, but in the end it’s just mid? You can flash a million LED lights or scream into a microphone all you want, but it won’t take away from the fact that what’s being presented is boring. (i.e. why are we projecting Prince or having a baby’s laugh in the middle of all of this?) Thanks for playing, but nah.
Disney Adventure Friends Cavalcade - Shakira and Jennifer Lopez ‘20 - A multicultural extravaganza of song and dance that highlights multiple figures, has everyone up on their feet, all through bilingual musical mastery? Yes please! Everyone is giving in their all, with the choreo pitch perfectly timed with the music and the experience enthralling for all involved. Add in folks standing on top of high platforms as if to say “Yup. I’m rad" and it’s a fantastic performance.
Test Track - Coldplay, Bruno Mars, and Beyonce ‘16 - In theory, it’s a great line-up. In practice, there’s only one part that actually excites. Coming right near the end, you are thrown into a high octane experience. Yet, up until that point, everything around you is desperate for you to feel like it’s a high octane experience. “Isn’t this so cool and fun oh my god wow look at it all!" they say and you continue to wait for the only good part with a clear point of view and purpose. Is the build-up worth it for the payoff? Likely no, but when it hits, my god.
Space Mountain - Prince ‘07 - Reliable. Never gets old. Sometimes, if you’re in the right mood, it gives you chills. A neon fantasia that will never be forgotten. Period.